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Grace Rowen

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Navigating the hidden stresses, embracing hope – life as a TBI caregiver and as a TBI survivor

The Hidden Weight of TBI: A Caregiver’s Story of Stress, Strength, and Survival
When my loved one suffered a traumatic brain injury, my world shifted in a moment. What followed was a journey filled with endless decisions, constant advocacy, and quiet fears that often went unseen. The stress wasn’t just emotional – it was logistical, physical, and deeply personal. I want to share what that part of the TBI journey really looks like, not just for the patient but for the caregiver.

The Impossible Decision
In the beginning, I was asked to make a decision no one should ever face: whether or not to “pull the plug.” Ventilator. Feeding tube. Trach. A device to drain fluid from his brain. These were life-and-death choices being placed on my shoulders – alone – because COVID restrictions wouldn’t allow anyone else to be there. There’s no guidebook for that moment, just hope and gut instinct. I adamantly chose NO.

Fighting for the Right Brain Injury Rehab
Once he stabilized enough to be moved, I had to fight to get him into an acute brain injury rehab facility. But there were requirements – he had to be restraint-free, trach-free, vent-free. It was a delicate window, and I had to make it happen quickly. When I finally got him a spot, it felt like a small miracle.

The brain injury unit’s rehab team was incredible. That brief window, when he was in their care, was actually one of the least stressful times. They knew what they were doing, and I could breathe, just a little.

The Next Battle: Long-Term Care
After acute rehab, the next challenge was finding a nursing home willing to accept a TBI patient. Most places turned him down. I had to navigate across state lines – he lived in a different state than me, but I had to secure Medicaid for a facility here because all options had rejected him in the state he lived in.

On top of that, I had to clean out his apartment, shut off all his utilities, and close that chapter of his life – quiet, exhausting tasks that had to be done quickly and efficiently.

Nursing Home Nightmare
The nursing home we finally found was a new kind of stress. Mistakes were constant: unsafe footwear, wrong food textures (even though he needed a ground diet), no showers due to staff shortages. I ended up giving him showers myself. The stress of basic care – things that should’ve been routine – was overwhelming.

Coming Home
When he came home, he couldn’t walk or stand. He had to be supervised while eating. His diet was mechanical – ground food at first, then chopped. I feared pressure sores because he couldn’t move on his own. Bed baths were the only option for a while. His skin was fragile, and his dignity was always in my mind.
Getting him to therapy appointments felt like navigating a minefield – every session mattered, and missing one felt like losing ground.

Emotional Toll
There were emotional hurdles, too. His mood would swings. He was frustrated, unmotivated, and at times called himself “R” instead of his real name. His impulsiveness and lack of filter led to uncomfortable public moments. He didn’t sleep well – often waking every hour or two and calling my name because he couldn’t toilet independently.
Every decision – especially around medications – rested on me. What to give, when to give it, whether he should take something. The weight of being someone’s medical decision-maker is crushing.

Glimpses of Relief
There were bright spots. The outpatient brain injury rehabilitation provided excellent care. And by May 2023, things began to change. He became more independent. He still can’t walk without a walker and struggles with short-term memory, but there’s significant progress. There’s hope.

Letting Go (A Little)
Now, the hardest part is learning to let go. I became so used to doing everything for him that I forgot he could do things for himself again. His speech therapist gently reminded me that sometimes I was too helpful. That hit me. It’s hard to stop being someone’s lifeline when you’ve been in survival mode for so long.
In the beginning, he didn’t care who bathed him or who came into our home. As he became more aware, he started refusing help from strangers. He didn’t want to be “babysat.” That awareness, though frustrating at times, was a sign of healing.

To anyone else on this road: I see you.
Being a TBI caregiver means living in the background of someone else’s survival story. You’re the advocate, the nurse, the therapist, the driver, the cleaner, the calm voice in chaos – and somehow, you have to keep going.
It’s not just about what your loved one survives. It’s also about what you survive.
If you’re there right now – doing it all – I hope this helps you feel less alone.

Navigating unseen stresses of TBI, while embracing the hope

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Home
About
Resources
Blog
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Grace Rowen

Hello world!